Snippet 19

As the door finally clicked shut as silently and begrudgingly slow as can be, I was finally able to cave in to my impulses and convulsions and immediately shrivelled up into a fetal position, pulling my left knee as quickly as I can away from the ice packs Nurse Amy had encased my knee in. I immediately began to half hold, half rub my knee with both hands, finally free to shiver freely, which just seemed to make the goosebumps ravage my body worse.

Nurse Amy silently took a seat, not saying a word. Not that I was paying attention, but her old swivel chair has developed quite the distinct creak. Did it even begin life as hers? I don't know. Paired together with how uniformly Nurse Amy always lands calmly on the chair, the noise, though subtle, is unmistakable. It's weird how well I've gotten to know that sound over the past few months.

After the initial shock of the freeze wore off, I laid my feet to the side of the ice packs and slowly resumed my lying on my back position, almost as though being in the position I'm supposed to be in makes the situation better. Nurse Amy's silence is unnerving and guilt tripping me to hell and back though, even if she's genuinely one of the nicest and kindest people in the school, and one of the very few I find myself counting on.

Much like just now actually.

"S-sorry...", I began. I thought to offer an apology and an explanation, but the pressure from her silence is almost crushing my lungs. I can't believe I've had to lie to Nurse Amy of all people. Now she's acting like a disappointed mother too nice to scold her child. Ouch...

"Must've been tough out there", she replied, planting her cheek on her palms, held up at the elbow by her desk, facing me with an almost sarcastic smile. I can't even tell. "What happened?"

I let out a prolonged, defeatist sigh. "Crazy shit. You'll hear about it soon. People won't shut up about it. It's not like I have a private life anymore."

"Yeah? First time it's gotten bad enough for you to fake an injury."

"Well I mean... I did kinda have to land really hard on the steps, y'know. Never really practiced how to fake a fall, 'specially in a wedding dress. Only so much you can protect youself and make it look real."

"Need ice for the bruises?", her smile widened. Yep, she's totally toying with me.

I feel so out of wind right now I couldn't even retort. I could feel myself sinking through the leather of this rock hard patient bed thing.

After a slight pause, I began. "Some crazy motherfucker confessed. On stage into a live mic. Right after the play. Had my hand grabbed and everything."

"Ooh, what kind of guy was he? Not your type?"

"Fuck no! I mean Jesus...", I began to get exasperated with how much I want to rant, but how little energy left to deal with bullshit I have. "The hell kind of dumbass does that? Confessing his 'love' for someone for the whole world to see. He's been watching too much dramas or something. Get a fucking grip..."

I didn't look at Nurse Amy because it was honestly quite embarrassing to talk about, but her silence is an indication that she wants to hear more. She's never the type of adult to cut you off ever, and she always has something useful and constructive and mature to say when you're done talking, so her silence tells me I'm not done with my story yet. *sigh*

"I mean it's stupid, isn't it?!", I begin to bitch and whine, avoiding having to explain what happened earlier. "Not every girl falls for the charming brave chivalrous sweep me off my feet bullshit! Some girls are embarrassed by that! Why can't guys understand that!"

"AND THEN!", I continue, fuming, "Has he even thought of how I feel? He's just PRESSURISING me into saying yes to create a good story with a happy ending in front of thousands of watching eyes! This isn't some fucking drama! This is life! Not everything has a happy ending! WAKE UP!"

After taking a moment to grit my teeth, I somehow found the courage to explain what happened. "I tried to break free and make a quick exit, obviously. Motherfucker won't take no for an answer, goes after me, and since I can't run in a dress -- who the fuck thought dresses, skirts and heels are a good idea and why girls should wear them -- I've had to fake stepping on my dress and falling. Hit my head and hand harder than I wanted to, just to add to everything."

"Fucking swear people are getting stupider and stupider as the days go by...", I mutter under my breath. Nurse Amy still isn't saying anything, and I still don't have the face to look at her, so I'm just staring at the nondescript, stereotypical white wall with diagrams of the human anatomy that I'm trying not to focus on 'cuz believe it or not they kinda still gross me out.

"He must've been somebody special though. I haven't seen you so riled up about rejecting a guy before." She might as well have added, "I keep hearing stories about how coldly and ruthlessly you reject guys" at the end of it. How does she speak so clearly without actually saying anything she's speaking?

Regardless, it wasn't something I had an immediate answer to, so my angry rant was cut short just by me having to stop and think. I roll onto my stomach, clutching the gel like pillow that gave off the somehow soothing, yet somehow unsettling scent of disinfectants that's rife in these medical facilities.

"He, well...", I clutched the pillow tighter. "we kissed", I threw out the words as softly and quickly as I could in hopes she wouldn't catch it.

"You what?", Nurse Amy, never breaking her kind demeanour, gently leans toward me and asks me as though she genuinely didn't hear me, her eyes and smile widening again as though she's some kind, all accepting counsellor.

"WE KISSED!", I shouted, and immediately buried my tearing up face into the pillow. Oh man. Now the whole infirmary heard that. Brilliant. Sweet. Go, me.

"Did he force himself onto you? Hard to think you wouldn't smack him and send him bloodied and battered to me like you did Ishikawa, Kunoichi, Murasaki..."

"...part of the play", I cut her off as she began trailing off the list of names. "The kiss was part of the play."

With permission to go on by virtue of her silence, I continue: "We rehearsed, of course. But never really kissed. Was just stupid and awkward. I never fucking wanted to be part of the play. Dumb waste of time for people to laugh at me and spite me."

I paused, seemingly having talked myself into a corner. The onstage kiss though... I gave it everything I had. I mean... what's the best way to act than to truly be the character you're playing and really feel what they feel, right? Before the kiss I really wanted to try liking him. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to know what it felt like to trust and love again. I thought of all the times he practised the play, how hard he worked to make the props, how much he thought of the lines, how into it he was... he was absolutely radiating and alive. It's hard to not get swept up along with it. I submitted myself wholly to him. I looked at him as though he were my everything, as though he could save me, turn my whole life around. I... wanted him to. I tried to leave everything behind, for that one moment, to genuinely smile and be his.

But when he grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him I was just... shocked. I wasn't expecting him to be so... aggressive. My whole body jerked and my hands flew up in defence. I've... never been grabbed by a guy like that before. I'm sure nobody watching that would believe we're a happily married couple after seeing that... I... cared. About the play. About my students. I just wanted to do my best as council president. Just... why! Why do I care so much?! About all those useless fuckers who just want to point and laugh? That all hate me? To the point where I'd entertain thoughts of trusting and loving again!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

"But you gave it your best", she summed it up for me, almost like a pat on my back for a hard day's work. She didn't even fucking see the play, what bullshit. Still... it was comforting. She always knows the right things to say. I wish I were even a fraction as good as her with words. But, alas, my character is a cold, hardass, uncaring gangster like rule enforcer and once you have something like that established it's super awkward to go with anything else.

Not having even the slightest clue as to what would be the wise thing to say, I just sort of made a quiet "mmm" noise in affirmation with my lips pressed to each other.

"What did he say when he confessed?"
"Bullshit", I tried to brush it off.
"You're blushing"
"Fuck"
"Language"
"Fucking... fuckity..."
"Ema"

"Stop!", I recoiled, this time doing my best to wrap my head with the pillow. "Said some bullshit about how he sees the 'real me', how I'm the sweetest, hardest working, kindest soul that made him feel a way no one else had... saw the real me through an act and knew he found 'the one'", I spat out, and almost involuntarily trailed off into the rest of it.

Although she still didn't say anything, I could feel Nurse Amy withdraw back into her work, going back to the document she was typing on when they brought me in. I lowered the pillow from my temples to make visual contact with her. I... I'm not sure what to make of her like this. I've never seen her react like that before. Her silence this time is... unnerving, somehow, like a kid unknowingly telling their parents something bad. I've never seen Nurse Amy mad before like the other teachers, which makes it even scarier when you MIGHT have crossed a line but don't know it.

I mean, I'm the victim here, right? I'm just describing what happened to me! How could I be in the wrong?!

"So what's your type, Ema?", she suddenly quips back in, never taking her eyes off the screen or a moment out of the clickity clackety of her typing.

"Huh?", bewildered, I rose up from my lying position to propping myself up with my elbows.

"Your ideal man. What's he like? You're super pretty, Ema. And I'm sure I'm not the first and last to tell you that. You have a lot of suitors, yet you've never had a boyfriend. At least, not one that's known in the school or the gangs in this town, anyway. If you've ever had a boyfriend he must have been super low profile, and I don't believe that guy exists or existed. If you're so overly picky about a man, you may never find the one you're looking for, you know? He might not exist. You might be expecting too much."

"Wh- I..." I can't. All I can do is stutter. "N-no! Yeah. Super pretty. Whatever. One of the 'five grand beauties' of this school or whatever disgusting crap they coined. All the guys that talk to me just want a quick fuck. Are just in it because I'm pretty. That's the whole reason why I'm even in this stupid play to begin with. Why the hell else would a constantly scowling, fear mongering, rude, crude bitch like myself get voted to play the loving bride anyway?! They don't care about me! No one does! The hell do they know who I am. The hell do they know what I want. How do I trust someone who just wants a quick fuck?! I can't!"

"Ema, listen", Nurse Amy suddenly snaps away from her computer and heaves herself toward me on her swivel chair. "That's not true. You can't say that. People care about you. I care about you. That's why I bailed you out and said you twisted your ankle when you didn't. I don't think a lot of people would believe that someone who could beat up ten gangsters by herself in a fight would hobble over to the infirmary for a twisted ankle after a metre drop from the stage. I'm sure this isn't the first time I helped you. I'm sure I'm not the only one. There are people out there that like what you do and appreciate you for it, Ema. There are people out there who appreciate who you are. You're an amazing Student Council President thus far, Ema. You may not have the best grades and you have problems with manners. You're not a favourite among the staff because of that. But you do your best in what you believe is right and stand up for students even against the teachers. You're a council prez that isn't the typical polished pet type. You have the respect of students because of that, even though most don't like you for how you became prez. You command respect from the more troubling students simply because you're one of them, which, take it from the school nurse, is something most teachers can't, or won't, handle. I haven't told you, or anyone else, this before, but ever since you became president and started going around enforcing rules, I've been seeing a lot less fight related injuries -- although, in turn, I see you a lot more. You're a likeable person, Ema. Pretty, to boot. You can't go distrusting people just because they're male, Ema".

"I-I-"... beginning to crumble under the weight of her uncharacteristic directness, I could feel the guilt haunting me, chasing me down. My performance as president aside, I know what she said was absolutely right. I knew it all along. I just couldn't face the reality of it, and in doing so I hurt so many guys, some even physically. I never gave them a fair chance, whatever that may be.

I'd really love to retort, even if it were just a one liner, one word retort. But I somehow couldn't, not even in my head.

"I-..." I spoke but I didn't know what I wanted to say. "I'm not ready". And in that moment, I felt as if I had finally come clean with myself. Not that I had been lying to myself for the past few years, but... somehow, just that one line, "I'm not ready", somehow felt more honest and true than anything else I've said over the past few years. I... don't know how to explain it. I don't know what's really going on. "To trust. To love again."

Nurse Amy, without saying anything, reversed her chair back to her desk and continued to click and type away, although this time somehow... softer. "So I was wrong", you could almost somehow hear a smile through her words. "You did have a boyfriend before".

I just laid back down, not sure if I really wanted or needed to say any more. For a while, I just laid there on the bed, not knowing if I should keep lying there and taking up a bed that other students might need, or if I should just waltz out like nothing happened. I still haven't apologised to Nurse Amy. Or at least, it somehow didn't feel like I had apologised. The atmosphere is still heavy, and the thought of having to pretend to limp on a twisted ankle irritated me somehow. I'm just... sick of acting.

"Well, Ema,", Nurse Amy begins to speak as a document she's printing is almost fully out of the noisy contraption, hands already slightly tugging at the end of the slip of paper. "Here's a medical certificate to exempt you from physical activities in school. It's good for a week inclusive of today. If the swelling still persists after a week, come to me again and I'll re-assess you. I'd tell you to submit this to teachers, but it ends up back on your desk anyway, doesn't it?"

I meekly accept my more paperwork, but I just kinda sat there, head hung low facing her after receiving the MC. "Not a boyfriend. Sisters. Not blood sisters. Didn't work out."

With my head still hung low I couldn't tell much of what was going on, or how Nurse Amy reacted. It was just... silence.

"I... pushed them away", I slowly, and very uncertainly, spoke. I'm not used to being so... candid. I never thought I'd ever be sharing this with anyone, and I certainly don't know why I'm suddenly speaking up about it now. "With my urges... they got scared. I guess we were never sisters. Never was. Never could've been. 'Sister' was just an excuse for me to be close to them and have somewhere to live".

More silence. I still didn't dare look up. My insides are churning and twisting as my brain desperately tries to scream at me to not talk and not trust again, but somehow I just super wanted to get it out. It's like a breath of fresh air, this coming clean thing.

"I love them" I clutched my dress and tears started to fall, choking me up and preventing me from saying any more. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!". I don't even know to who or what I'm apologising for anymore. It just felt like a tap was opened finally and everything just started spilling out, you know? I just felt like a monster that had hurt so many people unjustly. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't take being "me" anymore. I hate myself. I wish I were never born. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was never born like this. The world would be such a better place if I weren't here, if I didn't exist. I just wanted everything to end. I've been wanting it all to end for gosh knew how long.