Circle of Dust - Mesmerized
These hollow bones
Before you bare
In the secret sins
I'd never shared
Felt myself slipping away
Into someone who could understand
And be my only friend
As time passes me by
You leave me mesmerized
Both of damaged soul
And of lifeless heart
Oh, how you have shown
Of the place to start
Felt myself stripping away
From what I've held to for so long
I've just begun to fail
As time passes me by
You leave me mesmerized
Mesmerized
As time passes me by
You leave me mesmerized
Mesmerized
Words will always fail
So have I and I tried making any sort of difference
Fighting to accept and in the end I plead
To see you walk away and you do and so have I and it can never be repaired
Only a shallow space where once a heart existed
To feel so much yet so little
To define my last regrets is this final wish that can never be forgiven
Never - not by anyone
Never by myself
And most of all is the kind of peace that I can never hope to see - the light of any better day
Again and again I have fallen down beneath the seams a final time
The only obstacle that exists is you - this fate
A paradox it seems - to punish me the most is the one that has shown the most concern and love
Never mind the definition of that word
I thought I once could understand
But I realize now I haven't got a clue
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it's another one of these posts. Yes, it's Celldweller again. No, it's not going to get any better than the last one.
To be honest, I'm here less to talk about a single song and more of the whole album. I'd love to embed every damn song in the Disengage album and provide lyrics for every one of those songs, but that'd be horrendously impractical and I suspect no one would wade through all that to read what I've to say (implying anyone at all still reads these BUT HEY).
I don't know much about this album, since it was first released in 1998, under the Circle of Dust band/ artist name, but the man behind it all is still Celldweller. He remastered the whole album and re-released it recently, which is how I've come to know of it. And, I don't know if it's just me, but I find that I have a tendency to prefer an artist's earlier works, since I think that success and fame will invariably come back to taint an artist's later works, no matter how "real" and sincere they are; just look at miwa (OKAY THAT'S ANOTHER RANT FOR ANOTHER DAY). And as a result, I find that, the earlier an artist's work, the more inexperienced they may sound, yes, but their voice, their lyrics, their emotions always strike me as the most sincere. You can really feel the sheer helplessness and despair, you can hear how lost and broken Klayton is in these songs, and I absolutely relish in that (please don't take that the wrong way). It's all to a degree that his later works I believe doesn't quite match, though of course that's not to say they're bad; the last one of these posts I made was of a newer Celldweller song, heh.
This album may technically be 18 years old, but to me it's so "real" and "right now", because, well, I'm struggling to deal with (self diagnosed) depression, and this whole album is just overflowing with emotions that I don't just merely relate to, but I'm so in sync with it that I feel that I AM those emotions. So much so the whole album feels like an anthem of my own demons. So much so that I believe it actually helps a little in helping me understand myself by virtue of giving me another perspective of these emotions I may or may not even have realised before were there. It struck me so hard, it hooked me so intensely, it resonated in my head so resoundingly that even in this "live like a beggar" stage of my life, I found myself unable to resist buying the album and having every song from it on my phone. That is how much I found myself needing this in my life, simply because it's one of those very few, yet very "real" and genuine things that make me feel less alone and un-understandable. You might say that this dark pit of despair is, ironically, a little bit of a light in my own dark pit of despair. And it's songs, artists, and situations like these that make me respect the hell out of song artists who do write and sing their own shit, and how I dislike pirating music from artists I absolutely adore and respect to the highest regard.
I've spoken about how amazing I find the instrumentals of Celldweller songs to be in the last of these posts, I spoke about how his instruments make me feel like I was "getting sucked into the flow", or how I "feel immersed into a whole 'nother world" at the hands of his instrumentals. It's no different here. This whole album has a rather fast paced and upbeat flow to it, such that you really wouldn't think much of it if you heard it being played to a crowd, but if you actually paid close attention to the lyrics of the song, you'd find that that fast pace and adrenaline rush the instrumentals try to invoke in you are all just a result of anger and frustration. And that's why, when it comes to Celldweller, when it comes to songs of this nature of his, one song can legitimately feel like two different songs depending on how much and close attention you're paying; it can literally feel like two different songs to me depending on if I heard it while in a crowded train station hurrying over to a transfer, or when I'm alone in a dark, silent place to call my own where I can be more honest with myself.
That being said, I wonder if I'll stop liking songs like these, if I'd stop liking Celldweller's works if I ever do somehow manage to pull myself out of this "depression". Would seem almost like a damn shame.
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