Dear Diary,
Dear Me,
I've been hit by a very severe loss as of late. I've lost someone who meant so much to me that I don't know if I'll ever be able to put all these overwhelming emotions into black and white.
My therapist told me that she should probably stop seeing me as I've gotten too comfortable with therapy. At least, that's her take on it. I think she might have misinterpreted something I said to her, that made her think that I might be starting to prolong my treatment on purpose just so I get to see her, but that's not true at all. There's so much I want to tell her. I'm comfortable, but not too comfortable yet. But, as I'm rapidly starting to rediscover, I don't deal well with being misunderstood and left alone at all, and my desperation, depression insane voice is already telling me that she doesn't want to see me because I'm creepy, or that I'm a waste of time.
Ever since she told me that, everything's like they're back to square one. Like everything we've worked on together the past year and a half has just upped and vanished, just like how I envision her now. My temper has been the shortest it's ever been, sometimes not even requiring a trigger to set me off. I've given up on everything I said I wanted to do. I attempted suicide again. And by god, I cried buckets and rivers. I cried non stop in that session, I cried in my van immediately after, I cried the day after while driving on the expressway, I cried when I reached the parking lot. Even when I'm not physically crying, it never felt like I've ever stopped crying mentally on the inside. I don't think I've ever suffered a loss that made me so outwardly upset before. Then again, I've never opened up to any woman the way I have - before, so I guess the proportions make sense.
I've never been so bewildered by a loss before. I've always known she meant a lot to me, but exactly how much, I never knew, until she told me she would stop seeing me. I've always known I've relied on her heavily, but... you know what. Maybe this all makes sense when put into unfeeling words. But I've always sucked at making sense, especially of my own feelings. I'm so lost, so confused, so sad, almost betrayed. It just so happened that Friday was my first sucky day at this job, and I felt a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, a lot of sadness, a lot of violent impulses. And you know what, maybe they're all warranted. Maybe they're all normal, healthy, even. But it scares me. Those thoughts scare me. I'm just terrified and lost without -. What if I really am not sick anymore? What if I don't have to "solve" these feelings? What if not every feeling even needs to be solved? Am I going to feel this way forever? Am I going to behave this way forever? Am I going to have to fight all these feelings forever? Am I really normal? Is this really normal? Growing up, I've never had much distinction between "healthy" anger and "normal" sadness from the "you need help" anger and "you should probably find someone to talk this out with" sadness. I've just been constantly miserable. I've always needed help. I've always needed someone to talk to. I've always needed someone by my side I can count on. I've always needed someone I can believe in. I've always needed that space and time where I could be vulnerable. I've always needed someone to cheer me on. I've always needed a voice of sanity and reason to guide me, to rationalise this insane world for me.
I've always been needy.
And for the past one and a half year, I had all that and more. Sure, she could only see me for one hour every fortnight at best, but I had it nonetheless. I was thrown into psychotherapy by my psychiatrist, not knowing what even is going on, only that I desperately needed the pain and anger to go away, and would try anything to make it disappear. I didn't know what therapy was. I didn't know what therapy should be. No one talked me through the rules and etiquette of therapy. No one taught me the boundaries until it was too late and I went and developed feelings for -. I didn't know or even expect that erotic transference was so common. These feelings of admiration, reliance, and... happiness. I didn't know. I didn't know.
I had all I needed in limited quantity for a while. I started to feel better and better.
The worst part of this all is, feeling this shitty just from her even suggesting we should stop seeing each other, shedding all these tears, going through all these episodes, being in this slump, just goes to prove that I'm over reliant on her. And that just makes these feelings ten times worse than they already are, because it just seems to be a pattern in my life, wherein I am a needy person with something awfully wrong with me, I find someone who genuinely cares for me, I get over reliant on them, something breaks under all the stress of the weight of my bullshit, and they leave. And I'm left let down and broken. It makes me feel pathetic. It makes me feel like I could never open myself up to anyone, because what's in me, what I yearn to share with a woman, romantically, is almost exclusively bullshit, from the looks of it. Do I have some nice things to share? Sure. But when, aside from when with -, were they ever appreciated?
I think it's starting to become common knowledge that one should love themselves first before loving others. That love and romance shouldn't, ideally anyway, be meant to fill gaping holes in the hearts of each other. Then again, I've never been in a romantic relationship; the hell would I know? I think this whole debacle with - has illustrated that for me beyond any doubt or argument. I hate myself, I really do. Of all the people I know, I hate myself the most. My time with - made me so, so happy. So much so that I would want to make her my wife and spend the rest of my life with her if at all possible. She is someone I could never bear to let go. She means so much, too much, to me. Again, I have pinned so much hope on her. Without knowing it, she has become a staple of my life, and every thought, every plan and worry of the future my over active head comes up with has her in it. Logically speaking, I knew. I knew that therapy isn't for life. I knew that the goal of therapy was to stop seeing her. I knew she may want to consider other career paths. I knew. I knew it all. But those rational thoughts just never seemed to occur to me at all. Maybe that's because I still need her so much, for so much.
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for her. Like a typical "good" loser I've been relegated to become my whole fucking life, I'm happy for the woman that is leaving me for dead. In the one and a half month of procrastination and avoidance of writing this post, I've gotten to see her again. She explains to me that she is indeed quitting her current job this coming January. And I'm happy for her. I'm happy that she doesn't feel obligated to a useless sack of shit that is me. I'm happy that she isn't the type to rest on her laurels and stay stale in a comfort zone. I'm happy that she wants to explore more, for herself. I'm relieved that she actually thinks of herself every once in a while, Ms. Wear a Face Mask to Work Because I'm Not Bedridden and Dying and My Clients Need Me. I'm glad she's actually taking care of herself. I'm... glad, I got to know more about her, in spite of therapy boundaries.
It's just... where does this leave me? Now moreso than ever, I am confused. What becomes of me now? What am I supposed to do? The immediate thought that comes to mind is, "find someone to talk it out with, like a therapist!" But that just sounds stupid for once, doesn't it? What, am I supposed to find another therapist and repeat this entire cycle again? I'm not entirely sure I'm even ready to trust and rely on someone else. My depression voice is telling me to go back to my old self, to never speak up or trust anyone ever again. To live with these feelings forever, because even those don't have me feeling as worthless and confused as watching the one beacon of hope in the stormy sea of shit that is life do a 180 and leave me for dead. I get that - leaving me is nothing malicious, or of any ill will. It's just that... being abandoned stirs up so much complex and intense emotions all at once, past and present, my brain jams and goes into panic mode, and I begin to say all these weird and angry things. I am angry. I am sad. I am confused. I am happy. I am all that and more. It's just too much to process. Too impossible to rationalise. Too ridiculous to put into words.
If I have to love myself first before loving someone else, and if I have to do this on my own... I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can do this alone. I don't know if I should get more help. I don't know if I will ever love myself, or enjoy life.
Sunday 20 October 2019
Tuesday 8 October 2019
OCT2019
Dear Diary,
It's October. October 9th to be exact, and already things have started to go south for me. October is a month of curses for me, the otherwise scientific person, I swear.
October 2nd, I was fined for disobeying a red light. Did I really do it? Consciously? Was I in a rush? A bad mood? A bad judgment call? Hell, I don't know the answers to any of that. I drive so much as a delivery driver, so when the admin of the company asked if I remembered disobeying a red on the 7th, I really couldn't even recall a thing about it. It's like asking what you had for breakfast a week ago. Who remembers that crap? It's a 400 dollar fine and 12 demerit points for me, and... I'm an overly sensitive person already under a lot of stress, most of which financial, so the news hadn't been kind to me, and I contemplated suicide again for being such a useless imbecile. Yeah, that'll show those stupid government mules!
October 1st, I got a pay cut. The boss of the small company has been saying since day one how awful the economy has been, and as a result, how slow business has been. Prior to October, I had worked full time for 1.5k/mth for two months and change. It's not like business had suddenly taken a nosedive just because it's October; but rather, it was an ongoing thing. Now, you may be thinking, "wait, why is he hiring new employees in spite of how bad business and profits have been? Especially a new employee who's not going to bring in any new sales?" Yeah, I kinda thought that too, but I decided not to question it back then. After all, I've my hands full trying to fix my own shitty life, and of course, dealing with the sudden blow to me that - is leaving me. It's his company, let him run it however he wants. But the fact that he comes to me on September the 30th citing preexisting reasons to halve my working hours and pay just reeks of a scheme to me. Again, overly sensitive person, and overly obligated to protect myself, so this whole deal just didn't sit well with me at all. In fact, it made my attitude on the job go a full 180.
Now, more than ever, I have a hair trigger temper. I for the first time felt disinterested in the job, often letting laziness dictate how I do the job rather than customer satisfaction or what would be best for the company. Hell, just yesterday in fact, I got so mad at a bottle cap somehow managing to roll off my van twice that I yelled, in public, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" No job is ever easy, but it's only now that the inconveniences and the pain in the ass parts make me consider quitting. I mean, "I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit", is what I keep thinking to myself every day. If you thought 1.5k was peanuts, especially in the insane society that is Singapore, just imagine halving that crap. I at this point won't even be able to provide for myself, let alone save up for a future.
I've yet to quit for a few reasons, chief of which is because my father's company lorry has now been sold off due to the poor economy blah blah what even is an economy. So right now, I'm the only one in the family that "has" a vehicle to ferry us around. And thus, the duty of "driver" has since fallen onto my shoulders, and they aren't exactly shy about making the most of that. I can't say I'm thrilled to ferry them around either, especially given how exhausted physically I am and drained mentally on the weekends; I just want to be a hermit at home. The fact that my mother especially, would demand I drive her out, and then throw a tantrum and pull the "unfilial son" card, then leave a trail of passive aggression "oh poor me" in the wake of my refusal just exacerbates what I hate about my family, and my own belief that no one really cares about how I feel, not even my own fucking family.
The second reason, well... I love this job. I love driving. And even though I as of now am working at a net loss financially, it's at least a job, you know? It's at least something where there used to be nothing. It at least gives me something for my brain to gnaw on, instead of feeding on my crippling doubts, fears, and insecurities (though you can make the argument that actually having a job and being out in society makes those doubts, fears, and insecurities much, much worse but blah let's just stick with the positive spin on things for now). I want to try to count my blessings and appreciate what I have, since I am often accused of being an ingrate. I have a van to myself in my off hours. I have mental and physical exercise at a job. I have an anchor, a structure to my sleep cycle because I have a job. And now that my mornings are free, I can really go for a swim twice, or even thrice a week on weekdays to try and lose some goddamned fat. Being out and about means I actually eat cheaper and (somewhat) healthier, instead of defaulting on fast food near my house if I'm to be at home all day, every day.
I'm just extremely saddened and disappointed in my boss and the one other employee in the company, his ex-wife, whom he evidently still cares for. I work my ass off for two months. I was (almost) always the first to work and last to leave. I never complained about my job. I took all the industry renowned abuse of my short tempered and unreasonable boss without lashing back. I had heart to heart talks with the admin regarding family, mental health, work, etc.. I thought I was helping them. I thought we had a good thing going. I thought we had trust, you know? But as the stunt evidently shows, I was just a fucking idiot, a pawn, a fool, to be played at the lowest cost possible. There was never going to be trust. Trust that I feel I have tried my hardest to earn. And it would seem that my efforts the past two months had not changed their financial centric minds.
Sounds awfully familiar, huh?
Call me naive. Call me stupid. Call me whatever you want, but I stand by my actions and my beliefs. I believe that, regardless of what industry you're in, what work you perform, or what kind of a company you work for, that trust and hard work are the bare fundamentals of any office, or any setting where human beings have to work together. Without either of the two, there simply cannot be any quality work done. The whole point of me working for this sinking kayak of a company was because I didn't want to deal with politics. I didn't want to deal with the games people play when they have a corporate ladder to climb, or simply to hang onto a job they have. I find it so, so stupid, that people would do this to their fellow human beings. I find it such an unnecessary and asinine waste of effort and a wasteful toll on the mind at work. Maybe it's because I never had a childhood I expected to have, but I really wish that one day I'll find a company, an office, that shares my same values and beliefs, where I can feel appreciated and belong in. Yes, this is the very definition of wishful thinking, but what the hell else am I to do? Be the monster I see around me every day? Be a fucking asshole? I don't think I'm capable of that, nor do I really want to try and be like that. I don't want to be a slave to fear and finances for the rest of my life, for most of my waking hours. I could not bring myself to hurt someone else intentionally, because I know just how deep that ocean goes. And perhaps I'm a fucking idiot for being so empathetic and kind. Or maybe empathy and kindness are just nicer sounding excuses for me to refuse to change for the better. Who knows?
I am a fucking hypocrite. Or at least, I'm just now starting to find out I'm one, as of these past nine days in October. Without realising or wanting it, I am becoming that monster I see in everyone and I hate. I am becoming motivated only by money and not the job. I mean, that's the whole point of a job, right? You perform a service and get paid for it. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm getting played and unappreciated for what I do, for the trust I put into others. But who else have I to blame for that but myself? They didn't ask for that trust. - didn't ask for that trust. I knowingly and willingly invest in others, and I get hurt when they don't reciprocate. I am a fucking dumbass who refuses to change.
And I hate myself immensely for it. For all the times I think and say I'll kill myself after each and every time something sets my overly sensitive ass off, I don't have the balls to actually kill myself. And I hate myself immensely for it. It feels as if I can't even take my own words and my own feelings seriously anymore. And if I can't, how should others? I am a goddamned joke. A goddamned toy, to be played by others, to be pointed to and laughed at.
It's October. October 9th to be exact, and already things have started to go south for me. October is a month of curses for me, the otherwise scientific person, I swear.
October 2nd, I was fined for disobeying a red light. Did I really do it? Consciously? Was I in a rush? A bad mood? A bad judgment call? Hell, I don't know the answers to any of that. I drive so much as a delivery driver, so when the admin of the company asked if I remembered disobeying a red on the 7th, I really couldn't even recall a thing about it. It's like asking what you had for breakfast a week ago. Who remembers that crap? It's a 400 dollar fine and 12 demerit points for me, and... I'm an overly sensitive person already under a lot of stress, most of which financial, so the news hadn't been kind to me, and I contemplated suicide again for being such a useless imbecile. Yeah, that'll show those stupid government mules!
October 1st, I got a pay cut. The boss of the small company has been saying since day one how awful the economy has been, and as a result, how slow business has been. Prior to October, I had worked full time for 1.5k/mth for two months and change. It's not like business had suddenly taken a nosedive just because it's October; but rather, it was an ongoing thing. Now, you may be thinking, "wait, why is he hiring new employees in spite of how bad business and profits have been? Especially a new employee who's not going to bring in any new sales?" Yeah, I kinda thought that too, but I decided not to question it back then. After all, I've my hands full trying to fix my own shitty life, and of course, dealing with the sudden blow to me that - is leaving me. It's his company, let him run it however he wants. But the fact that he comes to me on September the 30th citing preexisting reasons to halve my working hours and pay just reeks of a scheme to me. Again, overly sensitive person, and overly obligated to protect myself, so this whole deal just didn't sit well with me at all. In fact, it made my attitude on the job go a full 180.
Now, more than ever, I have a hair trigger temper. I for the first time felt disinterested in the job, often letting laziness dictate how I do the job rather than customer satisfaction or what would be best for the company. Hell, just yesterday in fact, I got so mad at a bottle cap somehow managing to roll off my van twice that I yelled, in public, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" No job is ever easy, but it's only now that the inconveniences and the pain in the ass parts make me consider quitting. I mean, "I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit", is what I keep thinking to myself every day. If you thought 1.5k was peanuts, especially in the insane society that is Singapore, just imagine halving that crap. I at this point won't even be able to provide for myself, let alone save up for a future.
I've yet to quit for a few reasons, chief of which is because my father's company lorry has now been sold off due to the poor economy blah blah what even is an economy. So right now, I'm the only one in the family that "has" a vehicle to ferry us around. And thus, the duty of "driver" has since fallen onto my shoulders, and they aren't exactly shy about making the most of that. I can't say I'm thrilled to ferry them around either, especially given how exhausted physically I am and drained mentally on the weekends; I just want to be a hermit at home. The fact that my mother especially, would demand I drive her out, and then throw a tantrum and pull the "unfilial son" card, then leave a trail of passive aggression "oh poor me" in the wake of my refusal just exacerbates what I hate about my family, and my own belief that no one really cares about how I feel, not even my own fucking family.
The second reason, well... I love this job. I love driving. And even though I as of now am working at a net loss financially, it's at least a job, you know? It's at least something where there used to be nothing. It at least gives me something for my brain to gnaw on, instead of feeding on my crippling doubts, fears, and insecurities (though you can make the argument that actually having a job and being out in society makes those doubts, fears, and insecurities much, much worse but blah let's just stick with the positive spin on things for now). I want to try to count my blessings and appreciate what I have, since I am often accused of being an ingrate. I have a van to myself in my off hours. I have mental and physical exercise at a job. I have an anchor, a structure to my sleep cycle because I have a job. And now that my mornings are free, I can really go for a swim twice, or even thrice a week on weekdays to try and lose some goddamned fat. Being out and about means I actually eat cheaper and (somewhat) healthier, instead of defaulting on fast food near my house if I'm to be at home all day, every day.
I'm just extremely saddened and disappointed in my boss and the one other employee in the company, his ex-wife, whom he evidently still cares for. I work my ass off for two months. I was (almost) always the first to work and last to leave. I never complained about my job. I took all the industry renowned abuse of my short tempered and unreasonable boss without lashing back. I had heart to heart talks with the admin regarding family, mental health, work, etc.. I thought I was helping them. I thought we had a good thing going. I thought we had trust, you know? But as the stunt evidently shows, I was just a fucking idiot, a pawn, a fool, to be played at the lowest cost possible. There was never going to be trust. Trust that I feel I have tried my hardest to earn. And it would seem that my efforts the past two months had not changed their financial centric minds.
Sounds awfully familiar, huh?
Call me naive. Call me stupid. Call me whatever you want, but I stand by my actions and my beliefs. I believe that, regardless of what industry you're in, what work you perform, or what kind of a company you work for, that trust and hard work are the bare fundamentals of any office, or any setting where human beings have to work together. Without either of the two, there simply cannot be any quality work done. The whole point of me working for this sinking kayak of a company was because I didn't want to deal with politics. I didn't want to deal with the games people play when they have a corporate ladder to climb, or simply to hang onto a job they have. I find it so, so stupid, that people would do this to their fellow human beings. I find it such an unnecessary and asinine waste of effort and a wasteful toll on the mind at work. Maybe it's because I never had a childhood I expected to have, but I really wish that one day I'll find a company, an office, that shares my same values and beliefs, where I can feel appreciated and belong in. Yes, this is the very definition of wishful thinking, but what the hell else am I to do? Be the monster I see around me every day? Be a fucking asshole? I don't think I'm capable of that, nor do I really want to try and be like that. I don't want to be a slave to fear and finances for the rest of my life, for most of my waking hours. I could not bring myself to hurt someone else intentionally, because I know just how deep that ocean goes. And perhaps I'm a fucking idiot for being so empathetic and kind. Or maybe empathy and kindness are just nicer sounding excuses for me to refuse to change for the better. Who knows?
I am a fucking hypocrite. Or at least, I'm just now starting to find out I'm one, as of these past nine days in October. Without realising or wanting it, I am becoming that monster I see in everyone and I hate. I am becoming motivated only by money and not the job. I mean, that's the whole point of a job, right? You perform a service and get paid for it. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm getting played and unappreciated for what I do, for the trust I put into others. But who else have I to blame for that but myself? They didn't ask for that trust. - didn't ask for that trust. I knowingly and willingly invest in others, and I get hurt when they don't reciprocate. I am a fucking dumbass who refuses to change.
And I hate myself immensely for it. For all the times I think and say I'll kill myself after each and every time something sets my overly sensitive ass off, I don't have the balls to actually kill myself. And I hate myself immensely for it. It feels as if I can't even take my own words and my own feelings seriously anymore. And if I can't, how should others? I am a goddamned joke. A goddamned toy, to be played by others, to be pointed to and laughed at.
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