Group Therapy Progress

I've been referred for group therapy by my way too good at what she does psychotherapist.

I don't know what to say. I'm just so tired. Everything's just been a whirlwind in my head. Social interaction does that to me, and I don't feel like I'm getting any closer as to uncovering why. Again, my default knee jerk reaction of putting myself down kicks in and says, "maybe I'm just shy", "maybe I'm just an introvert".

I'm writing this a day after my third session. I've been meaning to do more detailed posts regarding each leg of my journey in recovery, and the idealistic fuckboi inside me wants to even list down each and every step such that I can one day look back at it and remember how tough it was, be glad that it's all over, and hopefully show others going through the same some semblance of planning, hardship, and hope in this war in our heads. But alas, alls I seem to do nowadays seem to be immersing myself in difficult to learn and understand shit that hardly matters, like creating scalable vector graphics, or learning how the 32-bit unsigned integer is generated in Pokémon games from more than 10 years ago to learn how to create the most legit looking, "perfect" Pokémon from those games.

Well, "learn" is a bit of an overstatement, I guess. Alls I do is to watch YouTube videos, have no idea what the hell is going on, download some free software, and follow cluelessly step by step until I get what I want.

It's been the theme of my life for the past few months: denial. Or avoidance. Whichever works. I've received a letter from my psychiatrist in IMH recommending slavery to review my viability on the battlefield given my mental struggles, but I have yet to be able to pick up a phone and get in touch with everything that I hate and loathe, to cut myself free from their clutches. My steering wheel set at home has a few problems with it and I ask my friend for help, got his advice, but I just sit on it, not acting on anything, because... because I'm lazy? Because I'm tired? Because I don't want to deal with it "right now"? Because getting in touch with society is scary? I don't know.

But hey, look, I got Pokémon Ultra Moon to run at full speed on my laptop at 2x native resolution, and I edited the ROM with a hex editor to allow legendaries in the Battle Tree.

The funny thing is, when asked how we've been for the past week in between sessions, I just said that I had some trouble sleeping, because of a nagging sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness I can't explain why. I have a lot of fucking problems... well, I think I have a lot of problems, anyway, but I for some dog shit reason am horrendous at voicing them out, and it's only after session 3 that I'm starting to realise it.

It's funny that I only find myself having this problem now, seeing that being more aware of our own thoughts, beliefs, and resultant actions has been the main theme of our group therapy sessions, at least to me. It has even been specifically mentioned in handouts and in speech that some people may cope with stressful situations by putting themselves down, believing their voices won't be heard, that they aren't important, or to save themselves the shame. And, well, the whole point of group therapy is to challenge those unfavourable tendencies in a safe, confidential environment with feedback from other therapists and er... therapy-goers? Patients?

What's been bothering me, gnawing away at my head since that last session was just... how... preachy I had been. Who am I kidding, I'm no trained social worker. I'm just a jobless asshat that's too damaged and afraid to step out and get a job. Yet for some reason, I seem to know all the best things to say to someone else going through anxiety and depression. I seem to know all the best ways to look at the positive side of things when others share their problems with me. I seem to always know how to challenge and debate the negative feelings and thoughts of others. I seem to be able to emphatise with others who pour their hearts out to me, and even give advice accidentally in the process (which we're supposed to avoid doing). Hell, not only do I think I'm good at it, not only do I have feedback from others in the group that I'm doing well, but I actually enjoy it.

It bugs me because when the tables are turned on me by a therapist, I can't do any of that for myself  That is, I always seem to find the worst in me and my situation and believe wholeheartedly in them. I know the best ways to endlessly debate and challenge whatever positivity that seeps through to my conscious thought. And most of all, I am my own harshest critic. I lack any empathy for myself because I... hate myself and feel that I'm not worth that kind of warmth I want others to find in their lives.

It bugs me because it makes me doubt everything I said to others in a similar situation as me. It makes me wonder if I'm a hypocrite, or if I'm not being entirely honest, almost like an over eager salesman unknowingly throwing away his own sense of self to sell a brand of happiness to as many people as possible.

Positive thoughts in my head always just sound like a cop out excuse, akin in disgust to someone who never takes responsibility or blame for their own wrongdoings. And, yes, my behaviour, my thinking patterns, and resultant actions are all spelled out word for word in the handout as generic textbook examples. It should be so easy, it should be a cinch for me to recognise and change these thinking patterns. Yet I always feel so... disconnected from myself. Despite being, you know... myself and all, I feel like I don't know myself well at all. It took me some ten-ish years to even realise I had depression, anxiety, and a whole assortment of other issues. I need a psychotherapist to ask me "Ke Tat, what are you feeling right now?", or "are you hiding something from me?", before I pause to realise that I'm angry with something. I get a lot of emotions I just kinda... sweep under the rug.

I don't know how group therapy is supposed to help me with that.

The funny part is, I agreed to join group therapy because I told my psychotherapist (that's a handful of keys, can we just shorten it to "PT" from now?) that I have a tendency to offend others in school, in slavery, and at work, and most of the time I wouldn't even realise it, which has, well, cost me multiple jobs, ahah. So, my PT recommended I try out this group therapy thing, sort of as a trail by fire kind of thing, except of course she didn't phrase it like that and I'm a horrible concoctor of sentences even in writing so maybe I make everything sound worse than it is.

When I readily agreed to join though, she seemed really... worried. Doubtful, even. I guess it's the way I reacted/ agreed to it that put up some red flags. She knows I don't deal well with social situations; hell, you hardly have to be a trained professional to figure that part out during a face to face talk with me. And so when I readily agreed because "I need change", and "I need to challenge myself", and "I'm desperate to try anything because I don't know how to help myself", she seemed to become really worried. To me, anyway. She kept asking me, "do you have any reservations about group therapy?", "any questions, any concerns?", etc.. Again, maybe I'm hiding something I'm not aware of. Maybe she's seeing something I'm not.

What my therapy mates tell me is that I'm fine, and that I don't have a problem. Hell, they even say I'm a very well spoken and express thoughts and feelings that they feel but can't find the words for. Yet when I'm asked about my problems and disturbing thoughts I always just clam up, stutter, and vehemently squeeze whatever it is that I'm holding - no joke, I actually thought of buying stress balls to bring to subsequent sessions after the first, HAHA! Buuuut I figure that'd just creep everybody out and make the therapists overly concerned for my well being, so I decided to make do with the pens they provided. Something tells me I'm not the first, nor the last to torture those poor pens; every single one of them had their clips broken.

It's absolutely scary what the human mind is capable of achieving. Maybe... maybe I don't have a problem. Maaaaybe I'm just being too harsh on myself and others. Maybe I just haven't had luck in finding employment with agreeable colleagues. Maybe, maybe, maybe. If only I could find enough kindness towards myself to really believe that I'm fine. It's scary, because, coming from myself, I don't know how objectively true any of my thoughts are, positive or negative. It's only when others tell me I'm fine does the insecure me dare to find any validity in the notion that I'm fine. And conversely, maybe that's why I love to be such a preachy jackass.

Even if it means I burn myself up and wipe out at freaking 8pm after a shower and dinner , I really enjoyed my three sessions of group therapy thus far. Even with just five therapy goers, among us there's a creepily coincidental mix of age, gender, races and personality types. And it's precisely in this diversity that the similarities in the problems we face, the emotions we feel, and the way we react to them that becomes really eye opening.

I just wish I knew how to talk about my problems better. Or, you know, get some goddamned sleep at 4 in the morning after my cat woke me up at 1 just to say goodnight to me ahah that sweet bastard.