ACS110912: Exhaustion

I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally.

It's not like much has been happening, but I happen to have a pea brain and am very emotionally volatile, so everything feels ten times more exaggerated than what they feel like they should be.

Maybe I should stop thinking so much about my problems, personally and professionally, and actually have a much needed rest. But then if I do that, nothing gets solved and I can't work or move on. It feels like a cycle. And then I worry too much, I get dreams of work almost every night, and I feel like shit every waking moment.

Am I a mess? It's so weird to see how bad I am at taking care of myself. I am such a child. Am I too intense at work? Do I put in too much in a short time? I don't know. It's of no use to compare myself to others. I'm different. Too different. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I function differently. But everybody plays by the same rules.

I don't want to think. I don't much want to feel. But I love my car, and I love my job. At almost every stage of my life, everything and everyone outside of my family I've ever wanted or loved, I was told I could not have. It's too unrealistic. I'm insane. I'm naïve. I'm not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was born in the wrong place. I'm not good enough. I have too many problems in my head. I'm too ugly. I'm not rich enough. I'm too boring a person.

For the first time in my life, I can have and keep something I love. I just have to work a little harder, to keep what I love with me. I can do it.

But I'm tired. My head hurts. As does my neck. And my shoulders. I don't sleep well. I don't eat well. I don't even play much any more.

I think I've been forced too much to take the low, "practical" road too often. So much so that I just now default to it at every fork in life. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to want for anything. I just want to be alive, simply for the sake of it, because dying is selfish and I don't have the balls. And so I default to being alive, yet having no desire for anything in life and being alive. I feel empty. I feel old. I feel dead. I feel tired. I feel pain.

And then I find myself in a cycle wherein I'm disinterested in everything, and I barely move. I barely work. I barely function. Nothing excites me anymore. Nothing scares me anymore. I don't have the mental capacity for such intense emotions anymore. I become stagnant. I don't become a better person. I feel like I'm falling just by being in the same place. It's competitive out there. Such a chaotic, unempathetic, senseless, cruel rush. I'm sick of it. Is it so wrong, so disgusting, to be content with what I have? Is it so politically incorrect to not want to fight? Is it so weird to not want to be in a rush?

Is being stagnant akin to being buried underground?