The Unnamed Feeling

I always feel like I'm such a bother to the people I want to socialise with and be close to.

I know it's not a fact. I know there's no way of definitively proving it because people are conditioned to not be as straightforward as I'll need them to be even if I do ask point blank. And if I can't factually prove a distressing thought, then it most likely is just classic depression voice coming to fuck with me when no one else would, and I therefore shouldn't pay it much heed.

But at the same time, it doesn't feel healthy or cohesive with what I learnt about mental health to just ignore a thought by just swatting it away. I have to recognise that there is cause, reason, and purpose for that thought to have been there. Is it past experiences superimposed onto current events? Something subtle in the way people talk or text that I'm subconsciously picking up on? My own unfounded, toxic, and comfortable assumptions? I honestly don't know. And it's ripping me apart to not know.

Thoughts like these keep me up at night. I feel trapped in a paradoxical puzzle, as though I'm living in a universe parallel to that of the people around me. I'm here but I'm not. I communicate and get a response, but nothing gets conveyed. I see things that aren't there and don't see the things that are apparently "clearly" here. What makes sense to them, doesn't to me, and the way I think, the things I feel, are so... alien. So hard for people to understand, let alone sympathise with. Am I here? Am I not? Are you here? Are you not? Can you see this? Do I exist? What is this divide between us? Can I hold your hand? Can I punch you in your face? Can you prove to me that you're real? Because the things I feel are too much and too real to be real. Do you understand anything? Is it uncomfortable for you too that I'm here but I'm not? Can I possibly do anything for you, or anyone else for that matter?

I feel like I'm fading away. Getting more distant. More delirious. Just to be here with you. Just to survive. Just not to implode.

I wonder what I could instead be doing if I didn't need to channel all this brainpower simply to exist, simply to eradicate and silence the demons in my head. Could I be someone important changing the world for the better? Could all this effort and energy be instead used to better my, or someone else's life? If I were an artist, I perhaps could turn all this shit into something people can relate to and find comfort and solace in, perhaps even jive to and find energy in, or simply to hold near on nights like these. It's a hell of a thought to have, staring at the four walls and ceiling of my cold and dimly lit bedroom that I don't deserve, tired but not sleepy.

Metallica — The Unnamed Feeling

Been here before

Been here before, couldn't say I liked it

Do I start writing all this down?

Just let me plug you into my world

Can't you help me be uncrazy?

Name this for me, heat the cold air

Take the chill off of my life

And if I could, I'd turn my eyes

To look inside to see what's coming

It comes alive

And I die a little more

It comes alive

Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Takes me away

Been here before

I'm frantic in your soothing arms

I cannot sleep in this down–filled world

I've found safety in this loneliness

But I can not stand it anymore

Cross my heart hope not to die

Swallow evil, ride the sky

I lose myself in a crowded room

You fool, you fool, it'll be here soon

It comes alive

And I die a little more

It comes alive

Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Treats me this way

And I wait for this train

Toes over the line

And then the unnamed feeling

It takes me away

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Takes me away

Get the fuck out of here

I just wanna get the fuck away from me

I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate

I hate it all. Why? Why? Why me?

I cannot sleep with a head like this

I wanna cry, I wanna scream

I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate

I wanna hate it all away

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Treats me this way

Then I wait for this train

My toes are over the line

And then the unnamed feeling

Takes me away

Takes me away

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Takes me away