things, things, and more things

090120

Today has come and gone
Just like any other day
But you have left me
For the last time today

I went home like any other day
Did my things, listened to my music
Trying not to think too much
Yes, this is just like any other day
I have been blessed today by you
And I'll have to take that blessing to better myself
Just like any other day

I become a better man with every hour I spend with you
Till death does me part with your unconditional love
Your smile eternally alluring, your personality unwaveringly addictive
It is just business as usual for you
The prostitute of the mind
And I fucking love you for it

I tried to get it out when I'm alone
But it never feels like we ever have enough time
It's okay, I'll amend it the next session
I'll tell it to you straight first thing so I don't forget
It is business as usual to never have enough time
Business as usual to eagerly await my next sunrise

We've had all agonising eternity to prepare for it
Yet I could not find the time to say goodbye
And now I try to not have time
To cry over the loss

I wonder how long it will be before I realise
That I can no longer exhale
How long it will be before I realise
That the world has gone darker forever
That the sun won't rise tomorrow
That there won't be love set aside for me tomorrow
That I will never bleed again
That, in lieu of you, I will have to love myself

A desperate, fading image
A memory clear as day, yet so hard to believe
I will have to be kind to myself
Now that you're not here
I wouldn't want you to be sad
I wouldn't want you to be angry
I wouldn't want to creep you out
But there's only so much a man can't do

You're just around the corner
Business as usual
But there's only so much a man can do
Without you

I wonder how long it will be before I break again
I wonder if I'll be able to hold it all together
I wonder how long now before realisation hits
That no one is here to service me anymore

I could moan about my feelings for the next ten years
But what would any of it mean if nobody's listening?
I would gladly be sick for the next ten years
Just to spend another two with you
I have said everything that I could
And still I had to watch you leave
I have repressed everything I didn't want to feel
And still I couldn't hold onto you
Nothing I say or feel has any weight anymore
If I could not have you with me
You are like the mother that was never here
The lover I never had
You are everything to a man
And I only loved you for it
Is that really so awful?
I'm sorry but I don't know how else I'm supposed to feel.

14-1-20

It's hard sometimes to even breathe without you
I hate these feelings of fragility
Like any slight whiff would knock me over
I hate when I have to do anything real
Because it just reminds me of how little I'm capable of
I hate when I have to write about myself
Because this is always my first and last resort
When I'm all out of other distractions
I hate these feelings of inadequacy when I'm alone
And I want you here as the cheap way out

And yet I
Don't know how to face you now that you're gone
Everything I try to fill this void just makes me all the more ashamed
And yet I
Don't know how to face you now that you don't want to see me
I know this is wrong but I only know you'll always be right

Why couldn't you be any less perfect?
You could've at least screamed and shouted at me
If you'd at least beat me black and blue
The pain would make all this so much easier
Why couldn't you be the villian in this story?
I cannot bring myself to hate you
And it's driving me insane

And now I
Don't know how to face you now that you're gone
Every tumble I take makes me feel like I've failed you
And now I
Don't know how else to tell you what I feel
Our time has come and gone but these feelings never went away

I'm so afraid of standing on my own two feet
Everything I do feels hollow and meaningless
If I can't tell them to you in our own special place
I'm so afraid of being disinterested in my own life
If I can't turn it into something to share with you
I'm so afraid of taking another chance again
I might find another you but is it really so wrong to only want you?

I know
I know you can't be with me forever
But it's only now that I realise
I wish we could pretend you could
I know
I know I can't be like this forever
But it's only now that I realise
I cannot do this without you

You're nowhere near being done with me
Come back here and take responsibility
You fucking whore
I will need you for the rest of my life
And there is nothing you can do to change my mind

vent

I am tired of feeling so much
Useless things that go nowhere and do nothing
Why is being alive such a difficult task?
Whose doing is this, and why don't I feel the desire to fight back?
I hate all these senseless, useless questions
I am tired of doubting so much
I just want all this pain to end
Is that really so hard to understand?
I've a bag of sleeping pills that don't cure insomnia
And several other habits I'm being told are unhealthy
But it keeps me going and isn't that what everyone wants?
I haven't the balls to swallow a few pills
I haven't the motivation to make anything better
I am never going to feel better
The very definition of a useless sack of shit
A waste of space, an eyesore, a disappointment
I can neither accept nor ever forgive
And yet everyone tells this guy to stay alive
To what possible end?

I feel like being a depressive sack of shit today
I'm too tired to hold up a heavy mask today
There's no rhyme nor reason to it
No greater cause, no poetic message
I'm sick and I know it
I'm miserable for reasons I can't even count
Life happens, shit happens
And no one else is going to change my mind
I feel like throwing up a little more than usual today
Everyone's watching, only to gawk and laugh
If only I were as apathetic as the monsters that populate my view

It's shocking what we can get used to
Don't glorify fighting to me any longer
I am just too tired to fight
I'd maybe be a martyr if this had all been for something personally tangible
But all I got was a poor sales pitch for what a man should be
My life is my own and no one else's
I've given too much and got too much nothing back
Just because we get used to it doesn't make it right
Used to think that I was the sick sheep in the pack
But I think now I realise I'm the only one that's making sense
In trying to make sense of the pain within,
I lost sight of everything before my eyes
And I want to cut my losses today and walk away
Live my own way and die like a man.

I feel like being myself today
A sack of shit that wants to die
For no rhyme nor reason
Other than the fact that this is my life
And I want to take it
I'm already dead on the inside
Might as well go all the way
If happiness comes from within, shouldn't sadness as well?
I'm just sick and tired of living with someone
Who pushes all my buttons and makes me scream with every little twitch
I am sick and tired, I hate myself
What's the point of waking up on any morning
If I'm only going to scream and shout and break something
Does everybody hate me?
Is that why they want me alive?

I wish I knew to be this honest and open
Before it came to this