ACS30012020

As January 2020 comes to a close, I just want to remind myself that I'm... well, I hesitate to say it now in spite of coming here to specifically say it, but I'm okay.

Not perfect, obviously. I still feel down, angry, sad, tired, and empty for seemingly no reason oftentimes. I still unconditionally hate myself for reasons beyond my understanding. I still think I'm much better off dead and still wish that I were... wow, not a great sales pitch for "I'm okay", is it? And people tell me I'd make a great car salesman, pah.

I haven't cried (much...) the past two weeks. I haven't had sleepless nights where feelings of emptiness and longing seemingly tear my soul apart. I haven't flown into blind, uncontrollable rages. I can actually think about things other than my overwhelming feelings, and even concentrate sometimes. I suppose it helps that my parents are away for a vacation for ten days so I don't have to deal with their bullcrap. I know it's an extremely low bar to set, but at this point in my life, "I'm okay" simply means I am somewhat functional. That I don't actively try to take my own life. That I don't routinely scream at and hurt those who love me the most. But even things that seemingly should be taken for granted are huge achievements and milestones for me. Maybe I'm just cut from a different cloth. Or maybe I'm just too damaged for usual norms and standards to apply to - not that it has ever stopped being slapped across my face, but you get the point.

And so, I have actually applied for a few jobs. Very. Few. I think people usually apply for 20, or maybe even 50 jobs at once when seriously job hunting, but I've applied for... 4, 3 of which are the same company. I am horrendously picky with people, to my detriment, even if experience tells me it is wholly warranted and would not allow otherwise. I am still largely disinterested in life in general, which means also that I am disinterested in most jobs. The 4 I've applied for are all automotive jobs that hopefully have some semblance of civility in them, because for some doggone reason, the automotive industry here seems to be relegated to the "lowly educated", and therefore most of the time, uncouth and vulgar among us, most of whom are foreigners that employers don't have to pay much for, anyway. I'm done working with and for gorillas. In fact, I would even go as far as to say I'm done with people in general. I've had way too much bullshit from people my entire life, from school, to slavery, to work, both in a prim and proper office and in an "uncouth" workshop. I have come to see that we are, for the most part, myopic, selfish, and cruel. If I won the lottery tomorrow and could live off of that modestly for the rest of my life, I would. But hey, I'm not asking for a miracle here. Sometimes I need to give myself a chance to do something new and prove old ideas wrong, even if it is the literal equivalent of sticking grenades into your ass and hoping the pin doesn't dislodge when you understandably squirm.

I'm no psychologist nor philosopher, but I genuinely believe that society is flawed and broken beyond rational belief. I know, I hate to be that guy as well, but it's what I genuinely believe in and I'm looking to vent in my personal space and time, okay? Common sense tells us life isn't easy, yet social etiquette commands us to discourage and even forcefully prevent suicide for those that can't handle the pain. I find it weird why, of the 7 days in a week, we work for a disproportionate 5. We're encouraged to have a work-life balance, yet it is admirable to give it your all, your "105%" as it were, at your job, leaving nothing for your private time. And when you do, you're viewed as a tryhard, an ass kisser, trying to gun for a promotion at the expense of your colleagues, instead of being viewed as trying to benefit the company, to do right by the customer, to encourage and inspire further growth, etc.. Why the hell does seniority still provide unspoken, yet palpable power in the office, especially when it's clear that they're only there desperately hanging onto their position to provide for themselves, and offer near zero value to the company? Why are these people allowed to politic and bully newcomers into dark, helpless corners? Why do human beings do this to their fellow human beings? How can this be socially acceptable? How do we talk about these things, how do we quantify and prove the existence of such an invisible problem no one can deny? Why don't we talk about these things more often? Why aren't there laws against this? How am I supposed to give my best and my all to a company if I have to deal with collateral bullshit like that? Why am I never given any training at all at my previous jobs yet still expected to perform? Do schools teach us ready-to-apply skills for the workforce? Were schools ever expected to? I was under the impression schools were a joke for the exact reason of tossing everything at you BUT that. Why am I always told to improvise, to lie, to butter up a crap sandwich for the customers? Yet when I improvise, it's wrong, it's problematic, etc.? Why does it feel like there's a "common sense" module I've missed in school? Why is it so universally applicable and expected of me? How the hell am I to know what the fuck I'm to do if all my superiors are busy with their day jobs? Why do we insist on wearing thick, uncomfortable, restrictive formal wear in this hella hot place? Why are women required to wear heels that hurt, etc.? It's all so fucking arbitrary, and it seems to me like to be "normal" in this crazy world is to understand and play along with the craziness of it. That is to say, it's normal to be insane, and I feel like I'm the only sane person in this world sometimes.

Maybe I'll get used to it. Maybe I'll learn the madness and how to play along with it. It's just that it's still a sucky proposition from where I'm sitting right now, and I have no doubt in my mind it will be a very long, arduous, and very, very painful journey to learn something I don't want to learn, just to survive. To be alive is to be insane. Maybe I'll learn to be the monsters I see some day.

Then again, who am I to say what's right and wrong, what's sane and what's insane? It's all relative, isn't it? I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is that I have a horrible time trying to make any sense of this mess of a world I find myself in. Who am I to say that hurting others is wrong, or shouldn't be allowed? I think fighting is just a part of life, just a part of nature. It's apparent even in animals, not just humans. In a civilised world, where physical violence is outlawed because we pretend to care, we have to find other ways of hurting others in the fight that is life. And if I can't find it in me to knowingly and willingly hurt others, then is that to say that I don't deserve to be alive? That I have no place in this world? It's funny, isn't it? It's laughable, isn't it? That I have been hurt endlessly my whole fucking life, yet instead of lashing back, I find myself with empathy. I find myself with kindness. I find myself unable to hurt others. What a goddamned joke I am.

God someone with a shotgun just off me already.