CNY

An introvert's thoughts during Lunar New Year:

People: Happy Lunar New Year!
Me: Happy prosperous new year! (sorry who are you again how did you know my name why are you giving me money seriously stop looking at me I don't even want your money if it means you leave me alone)

I've always hated the Chinese New Year (CNY) period. All the stores close and I can't get anything to eat aside from McDonald's, I'm forced to spend money I don't have to buy new clothes I don't want, I'm made to do spring cleaning to usher in wealth no one ends up having, and the worst part is, I have to go to visit people I'm told are related to me, that I don't know nor care about. I mean, yeah, sure, I get red packets with money in it for free, but it never felt right to me to take money from strangers for doing nothing, in spite of how I'm a jobless 25 year old good for nothing who's still living off his parents.

The worst part, though, by far, has to be all the freaking people I'm forced to be in close proximity with. I find holidays and events like these so puke inducingly pretentious. You pretend to know me. You pretend to care about my well being. You claim we're family and yet, I don't even know you. And we won't even see each other for the rest of the year, so why even bother with all this crap? Yes, this is my second bowl of noodles. Do you have a fucking problem with it? Will me eating more than you cause the stocks you've invested in to depreciate in value? No? Then stop looking at me and fuck off. Have you never seen someone eat noodles before. Have you never seen a fat man before? How narrow minded are you if you think someone who weighs a hundred kilos to be the fattest thing alive? There's the internet these days. You might want to look more into that. I'm hardly the best specimen for a museum piece, so STOP FUCKING LOOKING AT ME. And don't you fucking touch me. Filth. Slime. Scum.

I hate it all. It's so stupid. You pretend to be all friendly and family and all, yet right after you're done wishing me a happy year ahead you turn right the fuck around and condescendingly ask about my job, my marital status, and flat out mock me about my body size. I hate how people, under the pretence of family, think it's okay to mock other people, when they would not treat strangers half as bad as they're treating me. They think that, just because we're "close", that it's okay to mock and joke. That it's okay to stop and stare. That it's okay to even touch and toy around with me. But I don't even know you, and you sure as hell don't even know me, so explain to me again why the fuck is this okay, is this acceptable. Explain to me what's the difference to you, between me and a stranger, and why you'd do this to me and not a stranger.

Yes, I get it. I'm fat. I'm not stupid. I see this body every day. I have issues. I'm learning how to work through and live with them. No, it's not easy, and no, I don't need your sass to help me. If I wanted your opinion, if I wanted this negativity in my life, you wouldn't be giving me money to mock me; I would walk up to your house, the factory of negativity, and I will pay YOU for that negativity.

You know what else sucks? I can't figure out what hurts more: that strangers who know nothing about you mock you for things that are beyond your control, or those that are in theory the closest to you, that know you're struggling, and still feel the need to lift my shirt up to see my enormous, rash ridden belly. To still feel the need to judge from afar my bald head. That know you're introverted and still want to drag you into conversations. That your parents know you're within earshot and talk crap about you and start comparing behaviour, grades and careers, like we're chess pieces, prizes to be displayed on a mantle. It makes me fucking sick.

I don't get it. What do those people even take away from all this nonsense? The married ones lose money to handing out red packets, and the time and money in transportation as well. Do they willingly come and take pleasure in the judging and nocking of others? What else could you take away from partaking in this charade, other than all the CNY snacks people always claim are sinful, yet gorge on them anyway?

It's a shit fest. I loathe it. This is fucking stupid. I wouldn't even wipe my ass with your filthy money; I have never felt so insulted receiving money before. But hey, don't take anything I say seriously; after all, I'm the crazy one going to a mental institution. I'm the crazy one who always overreacts, so my feelings and opinions aren't valid. I just need to be less petty, that's all, right?