12-1-2018

I'm thinking of quitting my job. *sigh*

It's the third day in a row I've missed work just this month. The past two, I've missed about three days due to sickness as well. My body just can't seem to get used to the workload I've to put up with at work, it seems. Either that, or my mental health is destroying my body's immune system, I dunno. I just know I'm sick as hell, and very frequently, too. I've a 2 day MC that excuses me for work for the past two days, and today is my first Psychotherapy session my Institute of Mental Health Psychiatrist referred me to. I've yet to tell anyone at work that I'm going to the IMH for paychiatry and psychotherapy for anxiety and depression, so, no doubt I must look like a completely disinterested jackass and lousy team player.

Don't get me wrong; I like my job. I recognise how good I have it, with a friendly team of colleagues and a super knowledgeable boss who's always looking to nuture local talent. A part of me is angry at myself whenever I miss work, because I feel like I'm letting down my team and missing out on learning opportunities. I'm not super in love with my job of course, since I spend most my time being a useless, clueless jackass, and being their dedicated tyre pressure/ car cleaning guy who works 6 day weeks for a paltry 1.6k a month. For some perspective I make for my own keeping around 50 dollars a day. Even part time jobs pay more than that. But it's a start for now.

Still, even with all that said, more often than not I find myself dragging myself to work. A huge part of it is just anxiety, really, which as I've said hits me the hardest in the mornings. Not to mention, I've pissed off my colleagues unknowingly, so that just makes convincing myself to go to work each day all that much harder. A part of me still wishes I could end everything and for nothing to exist. These emotions are too tiring and too cruel to endure.

At every job I've had thus far, I always seem to go in with all the advantages and momentum in the world, only to blow it big time by unknowingly being rude, confrontational, and somehow simultaneously a clueless fuck. I feel like I've learnt nothing since my last job about a year ago. And, trust me, I've tried. I've tried being as low profile, modest, quiet, non confrontational, and humble. I have thrown my personal pride down as a doormat for others, yet SOMEHOW people find a way to get mad at me. Or, rather, I find a way to make people mad at me. I don't know.

If I were to quit my job now, I'd feel like I'm throwing away another good opportunity, another amazing job. Not to mention, I'm really quite afraid of going back to unemployment because I know I'm not going to get anything productive done at home on my own, and I'll regress into a lazy, philosophical, miserable piece of shit that bugs his too few friends too much, and then resorting to watching too much porn to pass time.

Still, it's not easy to stomach what my immediate superior said to me. He basically told me as directly and politely as an uncouth, uneducated ape could muster that I'm stupid, lack common sense, is rude, has not improved at all, learn slow, and that he doesn't know how to get through to me, much less teach me anything. He says that he doesn't have nearly as hard a time teaching ITE interns as me, and whenever he tries to speak to me or watch me do things, he wants to vomit blood. So bad is my performance at work that he has gone as far as to say that hiring me is akin to not having hired any help at all, or even worse, that he's more stressed because I'm here.

Yeah, part of me just wants to say that he's an uncouth foreign chimpanzee with hardly a grasp of the English language, hence why I never get what the hell he's trying to say. But that's just the negative thinking I'm trying to change, isn't it? What's the use of looking down on others? Maybe it's my inability to comprehend human interaction and adaptability in question more than his communication skills and expectations. I mean, after all, who's the single backbone of the workshop all the reviews rave about, and who's the clueless mechanic?

I'm thinking of quitting because... I suppose this is just anxiety speaking and my brain coming up with excuses to mask said anxiety, but I don't want to half ass this. I'm tired. I can't focus. My memory is as if I've dementia. I'm destroying my health, both physical and mental, for this job. I have anger management issues. I want to quit to have enough "me" time to solve this all first, which you may recognise by its distinct smell, is bullshit. The exact same brand of bullshit I tried to sell you about a year ago when I quit my 2.3k a month office job with shining prospects, friendly colleagues, and even a company car. We all know how that went. I went for a few more psychiatry sessions before giving up on it entirely, and did fuck stupid things that worried family and friends alike.

It highlights a question from my 10 month working hiatus last year I never found an answer to. Just how much is my personal happiness worth? Is there even a value to my personal happiness? I want to learn my way into the industry, but I don't want that to be at the expense of others' happiness. For as ugly a picture as I paint my superior to be, the whole workshop sans me is still a very cohesive, happy working environment. They emphasise that they want to be happy at work and thus want to foster a happy working environment, and I very much want to be happy at work too. Who doesn't? I want everybody to be happy, but I don't know if it's possible. I don't know if it's right for me to persevere for my own happiness when it's causing others, and myself too for that matter, so much anguish.

I actually have no idea how this is supposed to be done. My counsellor urged me to find a job, or just volunteer work to get used to being around people, so as to find out more about myself instead of going back month after month repeating the same things to him. So I get a job and now I find that the psychiatry and psychotherapy I need are weekdays office hours only. Sure, I could quit my job, but how would I make any progress if I didn't challenge myself with an actual working environment?

I'm puzzled. So lost.